Are You A Cook Or A Chef?
By
Gordon Hubbell
Classic definitions propose that a “chef” is one with formal and specialized training in the culinary arts. I go along with that. Good chefs are huge contributors to the joy we get from eating and I envy their knowledge and capabilities (though I could never be one because I don’t like to stand up all day). The rest of us learn our way around food by attending the School of Hard Knocks or via experience of lots of different kinds ranging from perhaps being paid to sling hash to just plain old burning stuff in the back yard. Sure is fun!
A recent humor post by bbqchef here on Let’s Talk Barbeque made me think about this one. I didn’t think very long or very hard, lest I induce a cerebral accident, annoy my wife, and/or improve my reputation. Hoping our resident chefs have a sense of humor, here’s my read on their profession vs. our more everyday endeavors (with kudos to Jeff Foxworthy for inventing the style):
1. If you don’t own a toque, you might be a cook.
2. If your apron isn’t plain white cloth, you might be a cook.
3. If your apron has red stains on it, you might be a cook.
4. If your apron has a smoky odor, you might be a cook.
5. If your apron is an ad for some grill manufacturer or barbeque sauce, you might be a cook.
6. If you don’t own an apron, you might be a cook.
7. If you own an apron but don’t wear it, you might be a cook.
8. If you cook with a set of tongs in one hand and an appropriate beverage in the other, you might be a cook.
9. If you are retired or make a living doing something other than managing a kitchen, you might be a cook.
10. If you call emulsified fats and starches “gravy” you might be a cook.
11. If you chop, slice, dice, de-bone, and filet using a steak knife, you might be a cook.
12. If you call cooking in hot oil “frying” you might be a cook.
13. If you think Sous Vide and Mirepoix were the Boston bombers, you might be a cook.
14. If you think sushi and bait are synonyms, you might be a cook.
15. If you grin just watching your cooker smoke, you might be a cook.
16. If you read a recipe and think “That’d be better cooked outside” you might be a cook.
17. If the word “spare rib” makes you go into a glassy-eyed trance, you might be a cook.
18. If you think pancetta isn’t really bacon or you don’t know what it is, you might be a cook.
19. If you think bacon should be an ingredient in every recipe, you might be a cook.
20. If you understand FTC but don’t know what a Cambro™ is, you might be a cook.
21. If you’ve never been called “chef” and that word is not in your job description, you might be a cook.
22. If you think people with French accents have a severely deviated septum problem, you might be a cook.
23. If you think people with French accents need a hankie, you might be a cook.
24. If you can’t understand people with French accents, you might be a cook.
25. If you can’t stand people with French accents, you might be a cook.
26. If your most common measurements are a splash, dab, glomp, dose, handful, skosh, jigger, slosh, glug, drip, chunk, blob, pour, dump, or hit, or are some fraction or multiple of one of those, you might be a cook.
27. If all of your cookbooks have either “For Dummies” or “Barbeque” in the title, you might be a cook.
28. If you sit at the counter at Waffle House or Huddle House and watch the cook cook, you might be a cook.
29. If your favorite food magazine is Popular Mechanics, you might be a cook.
30. If the KCBS Bull Sheet is your favorite newspaper, you might be a cook.
31. If you watch Pit Masters on TV and believe it, you might be a cook.
32. If you’d buy a bottle of “Eau de Kingsford” by Weber at the fragrance counter of your nearby Wal Mart then dab a little behind each ear, you might be a cook.
33. If the first store you go to at the Outlet Mall is the kitchen gadget shop, you might be a cook.
34. If your family and friends, without being prompted or hinted to, beg you to make them some of your famous vittles, you might be a cook.
35. If you absolutely cannot fix something exactly the same way twice because you think there is always room for improvement, you might be a cook.
And, finally, if I am your favorite food writer, you are most definitely and misinformedly, a hopeless cook. I know I am.
Hub
