Here's my column in the August KCBS Bullsheet. Every now and then I pop a copy in here even though LTBBQ isn't a contester's site because some things are common to everyone who does anything with barbecue, contest or not. We need more humor, too. I have a make-believe disease I call Terminal Snarkolepsy. There is no cure.
DR. HUBBELL KNOWS ALL?
byj
Gordon Hubbell, PhB
Okay. I haven’t had any barbecue contest stimulation of the cooking or judging kind since way back last year and I’m mighty frustrated. I depend on all my barbecue contest circuit pals for inspiration for my columns and this bug that’s bugging us has gotten in the way of my mental growth (and there’s lots of room for that). It hasn’t made me lose my sense of humor though, and a barbecue buddy of long standing hit me in one of the online time-wasting forums about “really using” my credentials. Uh-oh. Here goes.
This will be my first (and likely last) column full of sage wisdom and wonderful advice about barbecue because my doctorate and a buck and a half plus tax will get me a cup of coffee at Waffle House. If you take it seriously that’s your problem. Everyone loves Q&A stuff, right?
Q: What is a pork butt?
A: When a pig charges at you and doesn’t miss.
Q: How long should you boil ribs before putting them in the CrockPot?
A: There’s a law prohibiting that. What have you got against ribs?
Q: What is barbecue, anyway?
A: If you have to cook it outside because it’s dangerous, noxious, or illegal it’s barbecue.
Q: What sauce goes best with barbecued chicken?
A: At the risk of starting an issue with some, I’d say Jack Daniels. Others think Early Times or even Johnny Walker but as long as is at least 80 proof it probably doesn’t matter.
Q: How can I best avoid both underdone or raw barbecue and overdone or burned barbecue?
A: Old adage – add the sauce last. Early saucing is disastrous in many ways.
Q: How do you fix bad barbecue?
A: Domino’s delivers.
Q: Who invented barbecue?
A: I did. Doubters abound.
Q: I tried smoking a brisket but it didn’t work out. Why?
A: They don’t make really big rolling papers any more. Give up. Eat it instead.
Q: How many barbecue contests have you won?
A: I’ve walked at almost every contest I’ve entered. A few, though, provide golf carts.
Q: What is the most important thing to remember when contesting?
A: The way home.
Q: How do I become a barbeque judge?
A: Just pretend. Everyone else does. The class and the card are a nuisance but get you free food.
Q: Who put the bomp in the bomp sha bomp sha bomp?
A: Southern Living Magazine says it was Carolyn Wells. Truth.
Q: Who put the ram in the rama lama a ding dong?
A: Nobody. Mutton is not a KCBS category.
Q: Where can I eat the best barbecue in the world?
A: My back yard. Opinions vary but some of them are wrong.
Q: What is the source of all wisdom, truth and vision?
A: You’re reading it.
An ego is a terrible thing to waste, moderation is something you should not overdo, and barbecue is a little glimpse of heaven here on earth. If you can discern which of these three statements is the source of fame, wealth and beauty we’ll be great friends. Will somebody please loan me a buck and a half?
If you have a question about any of this nonsense, feel free to ask and I'll clarify. I probably has a snarky answer for just abut everything.
