Let's Talk BBQ
General => General Discussion & Topics => Humor => Topic started by: ACW3 on December 27, 2013, 01:04:45 AM
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December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow.. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.
December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snow plow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the butthole is lying.
December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snow plow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snow plow.
December 25
Merry fricking Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snow plow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. My WIFE is driving me crazy!!!
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his BUTT. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Art
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I remember reading this when I lived in PA. I think it made me laugh even harder now. This is my favorite. Part of my house back home had a flat roof. Oh the memories of climbing out my kids' window with a shovel.
December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
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This story reminds me about the aspects of California that I do love! :D
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I can relate... 8)
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Reason I stay in Alabama! ;)
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Now I know why I live down South. Closest thing we ever had was a freak snowstorm in March of '93 where we had 16 inches on the ground here in mid Alabama. There was no reason to shovel snow since every street and road was impassable since snow plows don't exist down here. I did shovel off my back deck so I could get to my gas grill to cook on while the power was off 3 days.
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This is a scream.
I lived in Minnesota and North Dakota and shoveled my share of snow but I would move back in a heartbeat. Marcia says' "No!" rather convincingly. Costa Rica in the winter and Minnesota in the summer is another lottery-winning daydream.
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Exactly why I left the Pacific NW for the south! ;)
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How you prepare for seasons. In spring take the snowblower in to the shop for a check over and a tune up. In the fall take in the lawnmower for the same treatment. Take this equipment in when you really need it and you will be tired of shovelling ;D
Another hint, the fuel in Canada is the shits. I don't know what they are adding but I have tried both leaving the tank full, empty running the engine until the carb is dry and have have poor results. Now I add this product and I have been doing better. I add it to my fuel container and don't worry about draining the tank or the carb.
http://seafoamsales.com/sea-foam-motor-treatment/how-to-use-sea-foam-motor-treatment/
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Seasons? Snow-what?
We use our lawnmower year round...
:)